I’m good with words, not always so great with feelings. I love my daughters. More than just about anything. It hasn’t always been this way. Orange was a natural feeling. She made me a mom for the first time. Holding my very first live baby in my arms was an instantaneous love. Pink and Purple weren’t so easy. I fought constantly to love them, to be a mother to them but it didn’t come naturally. My body was full of hormones I couldn’t control. My mind was full of thoughts and depression.
I don’t want my daughters to ever feel like they weren’t loved from Day 1. I can’t change the anxiety or depression but I can change how they understand that time in my life. It wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was just life. Loving Orange from the beginning but having to work to find that love with the twins doesn’t mean I love them any less now. I love all three girls, none more than another. They are all my favorites in different ways. I have a sweet one and a silly one and a sensitive one. Sometimes the silly one is sweet. Sometimes the sensitive one is silly. Sometimes the sweet one is sensitive. No mother can explain the way the heart allows for so much love to be felt.
If I had to write a letter to my daughters today, I wouldn’t be able to do it. It would just be a blubbering mess. Really, I don’t do feelings. So to tell my daughters how I feel, I’ve retained the help of Phil Collins.
To my baby girls,
Come stop your crying, it will be alright. Just take my hand. Hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here. Don’t you cry. For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm. This bond between us can’t be broken. I will be here. Don’t you cry because you’ll be in my heart from this day on now and forever more.
When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you but you’ve got to hold on because you’ll be in my heart. Always. I’ll be with you. I’ll be there for you always. Always and always. Just look over your shoulder. I’ll be there always.