Two years ago I had all these bizarre pregnancy symptoms when I was barely a week past ovulation. I had tenderness in my chest, sinus dryness, I swear I was already glowing. Add mild nausea and clear bloating, I knew I was pregnant.
Princess Daddy and I had Orange already who was almost two years old. We decided this was the perfect time to try to get pregnant again. We suffered through two years of infertility and two miscarriages before conceiving Orange during a surprise “break” month. We thought three years apart was a good gap so we started a little early assuming it would take a couple of chances to get pregnant. But just one month in, my body started playing tricks on me. No way, was I really, really pregnant already? The first try?
And so on May 16th, 2011, I finally caved and took a pregnancy test. I was two days late… And it was negative.
Life plays little jokes on you sometimes. They are not always funny in the moment but looking back, they are pretty meaningful. For instance, getting that negative test made us realize just how much we DID want to be pregnant. I was upset. More upset than any of the negatives I had before Orange. Princess Daddy was sort of shocked to. He couldn’t figure out why my body was changing so much if I wasn’t pregnant. This must be a REALLY horrible period coming up. I *knew* I was pregnant in my mind and was devastated the test proved me wrong. I didn’t get it “right” on the first try this time. I felt like a failure yet again at this conceiving thing.
I wanted to surprise my mom on Mother’s Day. I had it all figured out. And then I wasn’t pregnant.
Six days later, practically vomiting from early morning sickness and already showing (at just over 5 weeks) I took another test and learned that I was in fact expecting another baby. To this day, I still don’t know why that first test was negative, especially once we discovered what was really growing in my uterus. We were overjoyed, celebrated with a fancy dinner and making love. There was no fear or anxiety. We were in complete bliss.
I think the months of May and June will always hold a special (slightly anxiety ridden) place in my heart. The moment you realize you’ve made a baby is near magical. That plus sign on the pregnancy test is something I didn’t see so many times. So even though trying wasn’t any hardship for us this second time, that plus sign was God agreeing with our plan this time.
Four weeks later, just one day after announcing to all our family and friends that we were pregnant, I saw that first ultrasound. Looking back, I have to just laugh at God’s funny trick. For a full month, I praised and thanked Him for letting me have a little control this time. I begged and cried to Him so many times after each and every painful month of infertility. And this time, He spared us. He let us get pregnant when WE wanted to this time. Perfect. Our little family of four would be complete.
But on that ultrasound day, June 20th, 2011, we learned that we really didn’t have any control at all. These words will continue to ring in my ears the rest of my life: “Well, for starters… there’s TWO.”
I am thankful [nearly] every single day for this blessing, this funny little trick God had up his sleeve. No matter how many people insensitively comment, “Better you than me!” I know just how right they are. I never pictured myself as a twin mom. I barely ever pictured myself as having more than two kids period, let alone at the same time. But I was made for this. I was made to be their mom. I was made to conceive their big sister. Made to conceive any future children that God thinks we need. I’m not putting my foot down anymore. Yes, I am using a form of birth control but do you know why those things are only 99.4% effective? Because GOD is in control.