The Birth of Ellison Clair

Going to bed Saturday night (February 29th), I had no suspicion at all that labor was close. I’d been having contractions most of the day but nothing we tried got them consistent. They didn’t hurt or interrupt my day so I chalked it up to more prodromal labor. I got to sleep a little after 11 pm and woke to the most intense contraction around 1:30 am. I felt something wet and thought for sure my water had broken. I used the bathroom and grabbed a test strip from my birth kit to check for amniotic fluid. It was negative. I felt frustrated but got back in bed and tried to rest.

Within minutes, I had another intense contraction and knew it was time. Winnie had just crawled in bed with me but I woke up Jeremy. He took her back to her room and in the few minutes it took to get her down, the contractions got closer and closer to where I was writhing in pain, couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe even. Between a couple of the earliest two, I had quickly texted the midwife and said with no doubt in my mind that baby was coming. She replied with an ETA of 2:40 am. This was 1:58 am exactly. Jeremy got back in our room where I’d already started vocalizing with every wave. I tried to direct him on what needed done, knowing we had very little time. I was on the floor on my hands and knees. I had sunken to the position after trying to lean over my bed for a few contractions but couldn’t bear the pressure being upright. By 2:20 I could already feel the urge to push. I kept looking at the clock begging the universe to let my midwife arrive fast enough. The pain was too great so Jeremy got me to the tub. He applied pressure on my sacrum without letting up. He was keeping watch on our security cameras for the birth teams’ arrival and I felt so much relief when he finally said Jennifer was here! As she made her way upstairs, she quickly listened to baby and started encouraging me through the pain. It was the most intense thing I’d ever experienced. Very soon after she arrived, I felt burning and knew baby was starting to crown. I reached down but couldn’t feel anything yet. The intensity was so strong I couldn’t keep my bottom on the tub. This was my 3rd birth delivering a baby unmedicated and the most painful of them all. Jeremy was squeezing my hips now, basically lifting me as he did so and my arms were propped against the sides of the tub. I was practically in a crab walk position. Everything was moving so fast I couldn’t find a way to get more comfortable. With the next contraction, I could feel her head coming. I was panting hard at this point and literally screaming “it hurts” over and over.

Andi, Jennifer’s assistant, had arrived and I heard her calmly direct me to slow my breathing and take one deep breath. That was all I needed. There was a quick pop and I watched as my water broke with a big gush into the tub and just moments later, the relief of Ellison’s head out. I could feel her hair and waited for the rest to come slipping right out of me like my other babies had done so but all I felt was more intensity. Again, I began panting uncontrollably with the pain when Andi directed me to take another deep breath and then Jennifer said I would need to bear down just slightly. I felt the shoulders pass then and quickly grabbed for Ellie as she rotated out of me. She cried a lot. I cried a lot. We were both in shock. The big girls came in after hearing all the crying. Winnie somehow was still asleep. Emma, our birth photographer, had also just arrived and quickly tried to get photos of anything she could.

Jennifer filled the tub with more warm water. It felt like 4 or 5 am by this point. It felt like I’d been in labor for so long. As the contractions lightly continued for another 30 minutes or so, I was finally ready to deliver the placenta and man after that insane birth I was expecting it to seem like a blip but that took some real effort too.

We gave it a little more time before Lily cut the cord and then I moved to the bed to be more comfortable. That’s when Andi noted the time of birth as 3:07 am. I looked up and realized it was barely after 4 and did the math in my head, just over 90 minutes. I had just literally been woken up from sleep already in transition and had a baby in my arms less than 2 hours later. I started playing it back over, Jennifer arriving just 20 minutes to spare, Andi 10 minutes later and Emma just barely missing the birth!

I imagined a lot of things for my last baby, my last homebirth: us taking a walk and snacking on fruit and praying as a family during my labor. I imagined laughter between contractions and Andi and Jennifer taking turns with Jeremy to support each contraction but there was none of that. The entirety of her active birthing time was a whirlwind. I was so exhausted after her birth that Jeremy cuddled Ellie while I drifted in and out of sleep listening to the conversations around me. We nursed. We cuddled. I snacked on fresh fruit. Jennifer did Ellie’s first exam. We all guessed she looked to be in the 7-8 lb range. Nope! 8 lbs, 9 oz! She hid her weight very well in her big head and long body.

By 6:30 am or so, everyone packed up and had gone and we stared at our new tiny thing in awe. The big kids had gone back to bed and Winnie was still asleep so Jeremy and I just sat together quietly with our eyes closed. It was daybreak, the sun was shining brightly already peeking through the cracks in the curtains and it was the start of something brand new.

**Looking back, the bulk of my labor had started early Friday morning when I woke up with almost stomach virus type symptoms and felt sick all day. Friday afternoon/evening I was regularly contracting and even had the birth team on alert but it all stalled out. Again. Most of Saturday I felt a combination of complete defeat and trying to make peace with it all. In reality, my body was doing a lot of hard work just a little at a time. So I basically either had a 96 min labor or a 6 week long labor depending on how you look at it. Once I’m in transition, I’ve always progressed really fast with almost no pushing but I’ve always had an obvious early labor for hours before to at least give me a warning. I guess that 6 weeks of false alarms counted for this last baby who wanted to make a statement!

A Week in the Life of an “Eclectic Homeschooler”

When we started our journey as homeschoolers over 2 years ago, I took a dozen online quizzes to see what my “style” was. I thought if I could narrow down HOW I wanted to teach that I could then plan out our whole year and everything would be awesome. (Insert LEGO Movie Soundtrack.) The thing is, each quiz was basically inconclusive. My results would show 60% in favor of one style or worse tied 33% each of three different ones. None of them matched for a style on top and I was left more confused than ever on how was best to teach my kids. At one point a test came back with the result that I was an “Eclectic Homeschooler” because mixing styles seemed to make most sense it claimed. I had preferences in nature based learning, unschool learning, traveling homeschooling, traditional religious teaching, loop scheduling and more. I pondered and pondered how to make our days work, how to fit it all in and finally, in our third year we are just going at it one day at a time, relaxed, laid back, doing what we can with some plans and a lot of grace. And sure enough it’s working better than I ever could have imagined. So what does a week in our life look like?

Sunday: We took an extra family trip to a local historic site to learn about frontier life. Since we viewed the home Daniel Boone lived in, we borrowed “Who Was Daniel Boone?” from the library to read later in the week while driving. Before bed, the kids read aloud together to finish the chapter book they were reading for a quarterly book club we attend.

Monday: We normally attend a nature based co op with child led learning where we explore creeks, dirt, woods, fields, lakes, pretty much anything outside you can imagine. We were off this week for a holiday so we went hiking as a family instead. Along the way we saw flooding, erosion, frogs, lizards and a major river in our state.

Tuesday: Before hopping in the car, the kids followed recipes to make a fruit salad and pasta salad for lunch later while we were out. We read a book from the Tuttle Twins series about the free market and economy. This one specifically was taking about how much goes into manufacturing every product, buying/selling, trade with other countries and cost of goods. We frequently read in the car on longer commutes. This one was for a park play date. The playground featured a pirate ship and volcano and the time spent was full of pretend play. This is vital language arts time as it invokes creative thinking, communication, and story telling. When we got back home, we did a lesson of science in our curriculum workbooks. Instead of completing the included worksheets and quizzes though, we only read the material, highlight what we found interesting and then write a small report back on our favorite parts. After science, I had the kids practice math using and educational Launchpad we borrow from our local library.

Wednesday: The kids started their morning with chores, which develop important life skills. Then we did a lesson of history and geography together. This is part of our curriculum as well and we complete it like we do science. Afterwards we attended a homeschool gymnastics class for some good PE time. While driving to our next event, we read a book from the Magic Treehouse series. Although fiction, these books feature a great deal of history facts and make learning a little bit about a lot of new things fun and interesting. After our drive and lunch, they attended an event at the library about the science behind music.

Thursday: To go along with the Tuttle Twins book we read this week, I planned a trip to a local soap shop to tour how soap is made. The kids completed a worksheet from the Tuttle Twins curriculum tracking where supplied came from. We read our book about Daniel Boone on the drive home then after lunch completed a lesson of traditional math.

Friday: We worked together to get ready for an upcoming trip, packing, doing laundry and making a meal plan. These things absolutely all count as part of our education. Then we did a lesson of our traditional language arts curriculum followed by more math practice on the library Launchpads. The kids spent some art time making creations out of model magic. To end the day there was a Girl Scout meeting for one of the two troops the kids belong to. The badge work is often STEM related and they experience a lot of community service as well as learning business skills through cookie selling.

Each night the girls also read over math flash cards for just a few minutes, read independently their choices from the library and spend a few moments journaling about their day/feelings/dreams/etc. Our days are also filled with a wide array of other things as no two weeks look alike. The amount of learning done every day is amazing to me as they absorb what is happening around them. I love the people I am raising and the person I have become because of them.

Soul Slings Traveling Carrier: Seafoam Linen AseeMa

For the past week I have been borrowing this wonderful newest baby to toddler size carrier from Soul Slings called the AseeMa. I already own their previous model, the AnooNa so I can review the AseeMa and compare the two. Plus, we took a lot of pictures. Score!

First impression: The shoulders were extremely padded. Like bulky and kind of annoying, so bulky I couldn’t buckle the chest clip like I could on my other carriers (the AnooNa also by Soul and the Kindercarry brand Kinderpack soft structured carrier). The coloring is absolutely beautiful. The carrier (in linen) is sooooo soft. The thicker waist panel was much nicer. I’m not a fan of Velcro, which is how this carrier adjusts to size.

And then I used the carrier all week. Please note, I did not read the instructions. This was on purpose. I am an experienced wearer but I wanted to really see the usability for myself, see if the adjustments made common sense or not. And let me tell you, by the second or third wear, I could barely even remember what I didn’t like about it on my first impression. My toddler was very comfortable. I was very comfortable. We used the carrier for shopping, hiking, around the house, family walks and even a trip out of town. I took it to a play date where two of my pregnant momma friends could check it out. And I even let my oldest daughter and husband play with it to see just how much versatility this bad boy has. I am absolutely sold.

First, lumbar support. It really adds the extra last bit of comfort for front carries. It does make it just slightly harder to adjust the waist but not enough that I call this a flaw, just a nuisance of notice.

Second, the slide size body panel. For my busy toddler, this feature made it extremely easy to pop her from arms in to arms out and back. It gives a little extra padding for sleeping/cuddly babes and adjusts nicely for a variety of size kiddos. There are no preset sizes on this carrier, unlike the AnooNa. I like the AseeMa better for this reason. It allows for a variety of micro adjustments to truly get the best fit for you and baby and the combo of you together.

I nurse in all of my carriers. This one is incredibly easy to do so in. The shoulder size adjustments help let baby lower just slightly and the slide panel adjustments help add a little privacy if desired. The hood can also be used but my toddler doesn’t like giving me privacy.

The linen is so lightweight it was perfect for our sweaty hike. I have also used my Kinderpack because of the mesh in our hot Midwest summers but I think this linen would easily match that comfort for me and her.

The AseeMa fit me, my oldest daughter and my husband. It can handle a big variety of sizes and is easily adjustable if you’re sharing the carrier.

Finally, the sleepy dust is strong! For those who don’t know the lingo, this means the carrier is extremely soothing for baby to allow for naps at home, on the go or anywhere in between.

Final thoughts: I will be buying myself one of these carriers. The linen is definitely worth it. (My AnooNa is not linen.) I haven’t sold my other carriers. I like variety. I’ll likely keep them all, especially since our toddler is probably not our last baby. I’ve been babywearing for 10 years now and I’ve loved different carriers for different reasons. I think the AseeMa could easily be a one and done for any family. I’m just more of a ten carrier kind of girl. 😉

Road Trippin’ with a Babe Plus 3

We woke up at 4 am. Winnie had just nursed and was back asleep but stirred awake when I got out of bed. Darn. Jeremy and I took turns holding her while getting dressed and packing the last of our things.

I got the big kids up at 4:40. They dressed, used the bathroom and got in the van. We packed up a few last things and were ready to leave at 5 am on the dot. Just as I was locking the door, I asked the girls if they had their pillows. NO. Good thing I went back to get them. Our last suitcase was still upstairs. Oops.

5:05 am and on the road.

5:35 am we crossed the Missouri Illinois state line just as the sun was rising and full moon was setting.

6:00 I passed out breakfast. Sausage (cooked the night before and served cold), smoothies in our Squeasy Snacker pouches and gf, df chocolate zucchini muffins from Costco.

6:35 Stopped at a gas station for bathroom breaks and to nurse the baby. The changing table was labeled in 8 different languages. We really enjoyed “wicklelanderslogen”

6:50 Back on the road. Listening to Adventures of Odyssey.

7:20 Winn finally fell back asleep. Fingers crossed she gets a good nap in for a couple hours.

8:05 Changed discs to the Descendants 2 Soundtrack. Winnie woke up dancing. LOL. She is happy so far. We just crossed the Illinois Indiana state line.

9:40 We lost an hour due to the time change and stopped for another bathroom/diaper change/nursing break. Back on the road and watching a movie now: Descendants. Everyone ate a snack from their bags. Popcorners, a new snack for us, are DELICIOUS.

11:10 Stopped again to nurse. Baby girl is so overtired. We’re in Indiana and the roads are just horrible. Every time we hit a pothole she starts crying again. Still making good time. Trying to keep trucking along. God has provided us with much patience this morning. We’re about 1/3 of the way there.

11:40 She’s out.

12:25 pm (Reminder we are on EST now) We crossed the Indiana Ohio state line about 30 minutes ago. And she just woke up. We are eating our bagged lunches while driving. (Jeremy eats while I’m nursing the baby.)

1:30 Stopped at a rest area so the big kids could get out and run. And boy did they run! We refilled our waters too. Nursed Winnie again and she enjoyed some applesauce. She’s getting mad at me for putting her back in the car seat so much now. We are 7 1/2 hours in and just about halfway there. Oh and I’m told the turkey and beef sticks we got from Trader Joe’s for our lunch bags taste like pepperoni pizza.

3:20 Stopped for another nursing break. Winn is sticking to her every 2 hours or less nursing schedule so if we stop for 20 min of every 2 hours, we will make it there by next Tuesday. Hahaha. I’m KIDDING. *Hopefully* our next stop will be for dinner. Currently watching Moana and praying the baby takes her nap without a lot of sad tears first. I miss my snuggles with her.

3:50 Crossed the Ohio West Virginia state line. Baby is still awake.

4:00 And into Pennsylvania now. Still awake. Lily is napping though. 🙂

5:00 pm We are on the turnpike with no good food choices so cruising on for now. All four girls are OUT. I had to use my white noise app to help Winnie finally give in. She was so tired, poor thing.

7:00 pm. On the road again after having to stop for gas and a desperately hungry baby fresh off her nap. The good news? There’s a Chipotle and MOD Pizza right by where we are staying. The bad news? That’s 2 hours away and we are still in no man’s land. So dinner was??! Arby’s. Womp, womp. Lily rates it a 4 out of 10 and says her favorite part of the meal was the Capri Sun and the applesauce pouch. LOLOLOLOL. Winnie got to nurse for a nice long time and I could tell how happy she was to have her mommy. I can’t wait to snuggle her in bed tonight. Alllllllmost there. In the home stretch now. We listened to some Ed Sheeran while the kids napped and are now rocking out to the Trolls Soundtrack.

8:20 Last stop. Maybe. Praying so! Winnie nursed, got a fresh diaper and she’s so mad about being in the car still. Me too, lady.

9:10 Nope. ARE WE THERE YET?!?

10:00 pm We finally pulled in just before 10. 17 hours of driving. Took 1 hour less than I jokingly imagined. The last “3 hours to go” took 5 hours to complete. After the stop at 9, I literally begged God to bring peace to my baby. Nothing hurts my heart more than to have her so upset and not know why she can’t have her momma. She fell asleep minutes after!! We spent the last hour of the drive admiring the moon rising in front of us and wondering just how high into the mountain we had to climb. It’s so dark I have no idea what our view looks like. I can’t wait to see though.

Now it’s time for VACATION to start. 🙂

Oh, Dairy

I asked Wilhelmina’s doctor about dairy again yesterday. She’s almost 9 months old. I’ve been strictly dairy free since shortly after her birth due to it upsetting her system a lot. We tried at 7 months, then at 8 to introduce her to just a little bit through my diet to see what happened and unfortunately no success. So we wait until about 15 months. Then not again until age 2. She may end up being like big sister, Lily and needing to stay dairy free.

In the meantime, it’s been wonderful for my inflammation. My fibromyalgia and other autoimmune conditions are in remission and I feel better than ever.

Score!

Life of a Retired Runner

Something unexpected happened after I ran my marathon… I started HATING the sport. I had two 5k races and a 1 mile fun run already scheduled for the months after my marathon and do you know what I ended up doing? Walking. All of it!

Running was such a big part of my life. Huge. It helped me overcome post partum depression. It helped me lose weight. It made me feel strong. I used it to practice the concepts of mind over matter for my doula training. Running WAS my life. But after my marathon I had no desire to ever run again.

I heard this could happen. I waited and waited for the desire to run to hit me again. Well, then I got pregnant and had an excruciatingly painful pregnancy. All the sudden a year and a half of my life passed by like a blink. Around 6 months postpartum with Green, I was finally ready to work out again. But running? Nope!

I started with rebounding, a form of exercise done on a mini trampoline. I added in hiking. And then we bought a spin bike. I’m now working out again daily, absolutely loving it and not suffering some of the joint and impact consequences of running.

Retirement feels pretty dang good.

The Birth of Wilhelmina Jean

After weeks and weeks of prodromal labor (5 to be exact… including many nights of contractions 3-4 minutes apart for multiple hours and a 16 hour period where my midwife was here, ready for baby only to leave with my contractions completely stalled out), I came to a place of almost peace as I reached and went past my due date. A few days prior to Winnie’s arrival at my 40 week appointment, I went over a lot of my anxieties with our midwife, Jennifer and my mindset really shifted to a patience I wanted to feel before but hadn’t quite been able to reach.

Thursday, October 19th, I waddled around our homeschool co op and really considered cancelling my afternoon plans but I knew my chiro adjustments were important so off we went. I had promised the kids if they left our circus at home (aka behaved) that we’d go to a new smoothie place I had heard about afterwards that was in the same parking lot as our chiro. They complied so off to Sym Bowl we went. I got a fresh pressed juice with pineapple as the main ingredient in hopes that maybe it would make a difference. I wasn’t exactly confident since I had been eating fresh pineapple so much I had canker sores for weeks with no progress but my water broke the night after eating a whole can of pineapple with Lily so I was determined.

By the time we got home, I was exhausted, crampy and just felt very off. I chalked it up to a busy day and went upstairs to lie down. An hour or so later when Jeremy got home, I literally fell asleep while we were talking about dinner plans. He said he tried to wake me but it was very obvious that I just needed to sleep so he let me go. I woke up a couple hours later to a dark room, totally disoriented. I couldn’t believe I had slept so much. The kids were finishing up dinner when I got downstairs and I decided I really wanted Raising Canes for dinner. Maybe eating processed, fried gluten containing food wasn’t ideal but I felt so defeated. By 9 pm, I was done for the night and Jeremy was falling asleep on the couch so we went to bed early.

Friday morning, October 20th, I woke up around 4 am to use the bathroom. This was much later than my normal bathroom trips (I’d been waking up every 2-3 hours to pee since the early parts of my third trimester) and I felt very restless after getting back in bed. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My hips were killing me and I couldn’t knock the crampy feeling. About 4:30 am I suddenly had a pretty strong contraction and immediately felt a trickle of fluid. In my mind, I knew my water had broken but I tried to not overreact because I was at the point where I truly felt like I’d be pregnant forever. After rolling a few times and getting up again to feel for a gush, I was 99% sure. I woke up Jeremy and told him I was going to swab it before messaging Jennifer but that I knew it was baby day! The swab turned to a grayish dark olive. I was told the week prior when I had thought then that my water broke then (but was wrong!) that the swab would turn black. Not sure what to do, I decided to just try to rest. I wasn’t contracting regularly so waking anyone else up unnecessarily seemed silly to me. Jeremy got up and got ready for work. I stayed in bed till about 6 am but couldn’t rest any longer.

I finally messaged Jennifer around this time who said it was possibly my water but also possibly something else again. (I think she didn’t want to get my hopes up but man, I was so frustrated.) So I ate breakfast, showered and then got comfy with my peanut ball. I was hoping contractions would start in the wider pelvis position. They didn’t. Natalie and Sophia woke up around 8 am and cuddled with me while I played a card game on my iPad with some music going. Lily finally woke up a little after 9 am so we went downstairs for the kids to eat. I decided I really needed to do laundry to wash the bengkung belly binding wrap that I’d purchased and then thinking in my mind that if it was baby day, we’d need some dinner, I decided to get a beef stew ready in the crockpot.

I started feeling kind of discouraged around 10 am. I had started contracting but they were lame little jokes, not even as bad as my prodromal labor and totally irregular but I did also begin to have bloody show so I checked in with Jennifer again. She had me time my contractions to see just how many I was having since I was basically blowing them off as not counting for much. Turns out they were lasting about a minute and coming every 4-6 minutes with a couple 90 second ones as close as 2 minutes apart to others. Being an hour away Jennifer felt she should head this was and offered to just hang out in the area if I wanted space. This was the first point that I realized I was pretty heavily in denial and that prodromal labor probably had taken a bad toll on my emotions. So I told her to go ahead and come by to check things over, which I am pretty sure was her plan even if I hadn’t told her to do so. I trusted her instinct to be closer to me and really hoped things would pick up soon.

I called Jeremy to have him come home from work, told our doula Bethany what was up and let the girls know since they’d obviously notice a bunch of people coming over and would wonder what was happening. I had previously been trying to hide any of my suspicions of “go time” from them so as to not disappoint them yet again because they were quite confused by the night Jennifer had previously spent the night and why we didn’t get a baby out of that day.

Jennifer got to the house a bit after noon, checked on Winnie and set things up. A little after 1, I was still not making much progress with contracting so Jennifer went to grab lunch, run some errands and give us some space but still be close by. I ate some leftover pizza from the fridge and a few apple slices and then we decided to take a family walk. I really didn’t have much of an appetite but was drinking quite a bit of water. This was all early labor although I was still pretty heavily convinced something would go wrong or that I was crazy and somehow what I was experiencing was not my water broken after all.

I had one big contraction right as we left the house for our walk, big enough that I asked Jeremy to note the time. Then another big one 10 minutes later. And then 7 minutes later. These felt very different but were still pretty far apart so we kept walking. By the time we reached the end of the trail to turn around, they were 3 minutes apart with every 3rd one being pretty intense, enough so that I had to stop and hunch over, breathing deeply through the pain. At my request, Jeremy messaged Jennifer to meet us back at the house as soon as possible. I was worried that once we stopped walking these contractions would stall out again so I didn’t have Bethany or Barb, Jennifer’s birth assistant, come yet.

For about the first hour at home, the contractions spaced out to about every 3-5 minutes but the strength remained. I drank some cherry limeade and tried to rest on the couch but my patience was getting testy so I decided to pace around the kitchen a bit. By 3 pm, things felt like we were getting somewhere so I messaged Bethany that it was time to come over and I decided it was time to go upstairs. I used the bathroom and had some good contractions there then paced again, this time in my bedroom. Pacing felt kind of primal to me. I had a sense that everyone was watching me which made me slightly uncomfortable but I had a strong desire to not be alone. It was a weird vulnerability I hadn’t experienced before. I both liked and disliked the feeling. I wasn’t sure if I was hot or cold. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty. I was just in this weird limbo of progressing out of early labor into active labor but still feeling a slight sense of denial. I wanted badly to not have yet another long day of laboring without a baby.

Jennifer applied counter pressure with each contraction. As I paced, each time a contraction came I stopped and leaned over the dresser which was a silent cue that Jennifer could easily read. Neither of us had to say anything. Jeremy had been doing this counter pressure downstairs as well where I leaned on the kitchen counter and it was helping a lot.Bethany came up to say hi and see how I was doing. I was still a little bit in disbelief. I had in my mind that I’d be in labor all night. I wasn’t super chatty and she took her place right where she was needed which at the time was with the kids. Jeremy showed her some basic stuff like where dishes were that she may need (since it was almost dinner time), how to work the TV, where different rooms in the house were, etc.

About 4 pm I had to use the bathroom again and with an extremely intense contraction and the tub being right next to me, I suddenly desperately wanted to be in the water. I had spent almost every night of pregnancy relaxing in the tub so it shouldn’t have surprised me but I wasn’t really planning on using the tub. I asked Jennifer if it was too early to get in and with a soft chuckle (likely because she could easily tell how far into labor I was and I was still in denial) she replied absolutely not so Jeremy began filling it for me. Contractions picked up then and I could no longer talk through them. During a break, I asked Jeremy to look up what time sunset was because I had envisioned Winnie’s birth being a Friday afternoon at sunset. Since it was Friday, late afternoon, I couldn’t believe it! He said it would be at 6:16 pm and then reported the current time as 4:30 pm. That was the last conversation I remember being able to keep.Contractions came fast and furious after that. I remember hearing Jennifer and Jeremy encouraging me but I was completely unaware of anyone else’s presence. Barb had arrived during this time and I was clueless. I didn’t actually notice her until later when I was pushing. I do recall Jennifer asking me if I wanted to deliver in the tub and I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to push in the tub and I’m not sure I responded or even understood why or what she was asking. She didn’t push the topic and let me go on.

Unbeknownst to me, the girls were intently listening to my vocalizations and thankfully Bethany took the cues to stay by their side. She bonded with them so much in these moments, talking them through the process of birth and where I was in delivering.

I had been laying back in the tub but grew too uncomfortable from the pressure and leaned forward. This was the first I felt the burning sensation of pushing. I had 2 contractions this way, very loudly moaning when I remember Jennifer clearly saying, “Heather if you don’t want baby born in water, you need to get out now.” Taking action, I slowly rolled to my hands and knees where I had another contraction then with everyone’s help stepped out of the tub where I had yet another contraction so close together. I was draped in a ton of towels and I’m still not ever sure how I made the steps from the bathroom to my bed. I had a second of clarity to say that I wanted to push on hands and knees. Someone suggested leaning over a yoga ball which I did. It was too high but I was in so much pain and the pressure was so great I couldn’t voice such. I just kept screaming, “ow, ow, ow.”Jeremy noticed my mindset had shifted and tried to talk me through breathing which helped me enough to say the ball was too high. He swapped it quickly for the lower peanut ball and within seconds I had my pushing under control and could work with my body instead of against it. It hurt. So bad. Like nothing I’ve ever known. Finally someone, I believe Barb, exclaimed just a little bit more, she could see “all that hair.” In that moment I knew it was mine, her birth was just seconds away. With one more push I felt a large pop of her head being delivered and the immediate sense of relief in pain. Her body quickly followed with little effort on my conscious part and Jennifer slid her between my legs into my hands as I sat back and just kept proclaiming, “oh my God.” over and over again. She was born at 5:49 pm.

Everyone helped me get shifted around and I sat reclined just taking in every second of my baby. I delivered the placenta maybe 15 minutes later and had no problems with bleeding or trauma so we cut the cord and baby girl started the breast crawl. She latched shortly after and Jennifer checked me over for tears (one shallow one not requiring sutures.) Everything moved like a well oiled machine after that. Barb and Jennifer were in and out cleaning up and giving me space all at the same time. Bethany brought the girls in to see me. We took a ton of pictures. Winnie nursed and nursed and just stayed on my bare chest. Jennifer did a quick newborn exam and weighed and measured Winnie. The entire thing felt magical.

By 10 pm, everything was clean, Barb, Bethany and Jennifer had said their goodbyes and left and just like that, our lives were forever changed.Having never had a newborn not go to the NICU, I had no idea what to expect. That first night was so rough but I dozed on and off, she dozed on and off. Jeremy dozed on and off. The big kids slept all night and came back in the morning, completely obsessed with our new baby. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She had soooo much hair. She was so happy and content. She loooooved to nurse. She was just perfect.

My Marathon Story

This weekend, I completed a marathon. 26.2 miles. For 6 hours, 43 minutes, and 29 seconds, I pushed myself harder than I have ever done before. That’s longer than labor lasted with my first child! And much like with my births, here I am to type up my story.

I signed up for the MO Cowbell race here locally in St. Charles, MO back in April after weighing a lot of options in my mind. I ran my first half marathon in April 2015. I picked to Go! St. Louis half in downtown St. Louis and really loved the course and race. The after-party was great, the mood of the race was great. I loved everything about it. In 2016, not ready for another half, we opted for the 7k they offered instead. As we finished I remembered everything I loved about the year before and decided the following year I was coming back for the full marathon.

I started doing some research and reading reviews and unfortunately, many runners didn’t have great things to say about the Go! full marathon. This is how I found to MO Cowbell. At the time I was also signed up for my doula training. My original plan was to wait until the twins were in kindergarten so I had plenty of time to train but I started thinking that once they started kindergarten I wanted to be able to use that “free babysitting” time for my birth work. Everyone thought I was crazy but the idea was stuck in my head so with the reluctant support of my husband, I signed up for an October race. That meant I had just six months to go from not able to run a half because I didn’t train enough to completing 26.2 miles!

Training was HARD. I am not going to sugar coat it. I skipped so many workouts. I purposely picked a plan that was extra lenient too. It only required 4 days of exercise but life was busy and many got left behind for high priority items on my to-do list. Then as if there wasn’t enough on my plate already (marathon training, doula training, etc.) I received a job offer I couldn’t pass up. Adding a 20 hour work week into my already busy schedule was tricky but I kept up with as many long runs as I could and snuck in some treadmill time or short easy runs after getting the kids in bed. That’s when summer hit and oh my gosh, it was HOT. When its 95+ degree temps still at 8 pm, all motivation goes out the window. Plus we had a family vacation, an anniversary trip to Niagara Falls, Girl Scout camp and my brother’s wedding competing for my energy and time too on top of being a wife and mom of course.

As if all that weren’t enough, I had some major gear issues. I worked with a local running store to get fitted for the right shoes and talk about energy options like chews and gels. All set to go I went on with my months of training. I quickly discovered that my new shoes were causing some major blisters. I went back to the running store to discuss and their best explanation was that I was dealing with moisture issues. I took their advice, gave it a few more weeks and guess what? Blisters didn’t stop! I went back and it turns out my insoles were too small for my shoes. We fixed that and again, I tried it out for a few more weeks. There was an improvement for sure but by the time I reached my 18 and 20 mile training runs, I felt like my feet were being crushed by the seem on the shoe that bends by your toes. On top of that, I was getting side cramps every time I used a gel and chews were just not giving me enough umph. It was a couple days after my 20 mile run that I discovered gluten free running waffles. The store I went to carried this brand and I was very specific about my dietary needs when asking about energy. I was so shocked that this was the first time I learned about the gluten free products! Needless to say, I made a crazy move and changed up my running routine with no more long training runs scheduled before my race. On top of adding in the waffles, I switched shoes! This is a huge no-no in the running world but I decided to go back to the brand I trusted from my half. It paid off big time as I came home with only 2 pinky toe blisters and otherwise no issues. And the waffles were perfect for my race to hold me over.

Finally, race day arrived. I saved a screen shot on my phone of some positive affirmations and studied them the night before. Race morning, I kept telling myself that this was what the entire, extremely difficult last 6 months were all about. Hubby came to the start line with me and saw me off. I knew from training that if I started out slow and tried to pace myself like every running post ever recommends that I would be even slower in the back half and risk disqualification from not finishing on time so I went out with everything I had. It was a rather flat course. I use the Galloway method for doing a run/walk so my intervals were set and I was keeping a great pace.

At mile 10 was the only major hill in the first half. My mom, husband and kids were all there to cheer me on. I could hear the girls screaming for me as soon as I rounded the corner. I planned on just waving but I couldn’t resist so I went off course a tad and ran over to them for hugs. It was such a great moment. That hill took a LOT out of me and added over 30 seconds to my average pace. As I got near the 12 mile mark, all of the runners that were keeping pace with me left the course to head towards their half-marathon finish line and I was all alone. Nearly a mile later, marathoners started passing me on their way back from the last turnaround. They were finishing their full before I would have even finished my half! My mind really started playing tricks on me so I had to pull it together. Pain wise, I was in control but self doubt was heavy. I began using tricks I learned in doula training to get back on track. I focused on each breath and each step and pushed everything else out of my head. My best friend was sending me messages every 30 minutes or so for encouragement as was my mom and husband. These all went to my fitbit so I could quickly see their words but keep going.

I found my groove again and felt slightly comforted once I could see that a few runners were in fact in front of me heading towards the turnaround still and a handful were behind me too. Mile 17 came another huge hill and all in straight sunshine. The weather was nice and cool, in the 60s but the sun was brutal. I hit my wall at the top of that hill, earlier than I thought I would. But by mile 18 I was greeted by my cheering zone again who had packed back up in the van and come to find me! More hugs from them and a quick pick up of more chews and I was on my way. Less than 2 miles to go till the turnaround. By this time I was literally like a laboring mom. I was talking to myself out loud. I was grunting. I was directing my breaths. I high fived every mile marker sign as I kept going. The moment I reached 23 miles, knowing I only had a 5k left, I was well under sag wagon pace and I knew all I had to do was make it back even if I had to walk the whole way. I was so tired and hurting bad by then so with each run interval I shuffled my feet forward as fast as I could just so I could be done. And with each walk, I had to shout off “left, right, left, right” as I pushed my feet forward for one more step.

At mile 25 I could see the finish line. I just had to go down the path, around the corner and back down the home stretch. Hubby starting running towards me across the field and suddenly I spotted my dad! He was hunting but had made it back in time so he came to see me finish. Both of them took my hands and ran with me for about a quarter mile. I suddenly felt a surge or energy, knowing I was right there at the finish so I told them to go back and watch me cross the line and that I was okay. I rounded the corner and took off as fast and hard as I could, literally sobbing as I crossed the line and collapsed to the ground in my husband’s arms. For a split second I felt nothing at all but immense accomplishment.

I got my medal, started drinking some water and ripped off my shoes and hydration pack. We took some fun pictures and by then my adrenaline had crashed hard. I had to use an umbrella as walking stick to make it back to the van. The rest of the day was spent stretching, eating, soaking in the bathrub, cuddling with my medal and napping. The girls recounted their stories about seeing me run and their excitement.Most of it was a blur.

I woke up this morning and was greeted by a “How do you feel?” to which my only reasonable reply was… “Like I just ran a marathon!” And for once, I truly know exactly what that feels like.

Next up for me is well, getting my health back. On top of very hard training, three different medical providers recommended that I stop running. Nothing life threatening was going on but it was impacting my fibromyalgia and adrenal health. I refused to quit so far into my training but promised this was it for me. And I am absolutely keeping that promise. Training for and running a marathon has made me forget why I actually liked running in the first place. It became a hated chore rather than a welcomed way to clear my head or a fun way to spend time with my family. It took up time from the things and people I love the most and I began to resent it. I don’t regret my marathon at all but I am ready to start my life again now.

 

 

The Dress and Why This Needs to Teach Us a Lesson

via Tumblr

Last night my world was turned upside down by a single, stupid picture of a dress. You may be annoyed with this dress. And that’s okay. You may think there are bigger things to worry about in this world. And that’s true. But this dress is powerful. Science has explained why people see it differently. What science cannot explain though and clearly, neither can humanity is why our society refuses to accept that another person can see something completely different from us.

Our eyes see things differently. Our noses smell things differently. Our fingers feel things differently. Our ears hear things differently. Our tongues taste things differently. Every experience we have is unique to us. Words always try to describe what our senses feel but they will always come up short. I can teach my children everything they’ll ever need to know but I will always have a different view than they do. They will always have the ability to freely think and absorb their surroundings independent of the facts presented.

This isn’t about a dress anymore. This is about every single topic we’ve ever debated ever in life. Mommy wars. Politics. Lifestyle choices. Sports. There are ALWAYS two sides to an argument and we absolutely refuse to give that fact any credit. Battles are started. Marriages are torn apart. Relationships are destroyed. Yes, many issues are much, much, much, much bigger than a dress in bad lighting. Scratch that. EVERY issue is much, much, much, much bigger than a dress in bad lighting. But what if we used this nonsense to learn a lesson instead? 

Want to know what happens when I look at the picture?

At first I saw, very, very obviously a navy blue and black lace dress. My mom sent it to me in a text message. I thought it was some kind of joke that I wasn’t getting. “Uh…” is how I started my reply to her. Then she shockingly told me she saw white and gold. My next question to her? “Mom, are you drunk?” After a busy day I had spent almost no time on social media and for whatever reason, after my mom texted me, I had my phone in my hand anyway so I went on Twitter. Guys, I was completely flabbergasted. Post after post after post about the same thing! Hashtags getting millions of hits. The country completely divided. I skimmed my feed and then moved to Facebook. It was much quieter but someone posted a Buzzfeed article. From the preview image on Facebook, I very obviously, without hesitation saw a white and gold dress. I opened the link. It was still white and gold. I scrolled down. It was still white and gold. I refreshed the page. It was still white and gold. I sent the link to my brother who agreed with me previously that it was black and blue and he still saw black and blue. What. In. The. World?

I’ve heard many stories of the dress changing colors depending on the lighting you’re in, the angle your screen is at, even the mood you’re in. Many of my friends say that it looked white and gold at first but now that they know, they only see it in black and blue.

But get this, no matter how many times I look at it, no matter how I try to manipulate the situation, I cannot predict which way my eyes will see the dress each time. I’ve looked at it over and over and over again. Upstairs, downstairs. On my phone, on my computer. In the dark, in the light. With my glasses, with my contacts, with my natural eyes. When I was tired, awake, angry, laughing. I still see it both ways. Even now, a day later, when I’ve looked at it a dozen different times, I still, all the sudden, without notice will see it as white and gold.

And you should too!

Not the dress. It really is blue and black. But LIFE. You should always see life both ways.  

Source: http://swiked.tumblr.com/post/112073818575/guys-please-help-me-is-this-dress-white-and

Connecting All My Medical Mysteries

One month ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and leaky gut syndrome. I’m kind of surprised by this but the most common reaction I seem to be getting is, “I didn’t even know you were sick.” That’s the thing. I am not sick. I function. I do what I need to do. I take care of my kids and finish my freelance work before my deadlines. My symptoms were so drastically different from what the average person saw of me. I often hide behind my smile.

I knew something was wrong. I’ve known for a very long time that something was wrong. I saw specialists for just about everything you can imagine, did blood tests and urine samples and MRI’s and CT scans. Gosh, I don’t even know how much money we’ve spent trying to figure out why my body is this way. I almost started feeling like it was all in my head. I asked my best friend on more than one occasion if she thought I was a hypochondriac. I have been mentally beaten, being told “everything is normal” over and over and over and over again. I don’t know how long that will take to heal. Part of me is still in disbelief. I say my diagnoses out loud and feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, like I’m talking about someone else I know.

It was a year ago now that a holistic nutritionist confirmed for me that I had adrenal fatigue after I suspected I had it for nearly 6 months before seeking help. I made changes but none of the right ones. I was doing everything that made sense to me to fix the problem but little did I know, there was actually a much bigger problem dormant in my body waiting for that moment when my pot of stress boiled over.

I am so completely relieved. I know it sounds crazy. Most people extend sympathy or pity, prayers or sorrow. Guys, I’m actually happy. Having these diagnoses is the first time in my life that the way I feel inside was actually validated by a medical professional. I have a team of doctors who have ANSWERS. I’ve never had that before. I met with them again this week, one month after the original news and discussed all the positives but a few negatives too and without batting an eye, they knew what to try next.

Is this all hogwash? No. There is so much power in food. In just 30 days I have nearly completely reversed the symptoms I was experiencing from my conditions. Reversed. I have on more than one occasion now RAN further and faster than I’ve ever done before. I don’t crash at 2 pm. I don’t binge eat. My metabolism finally works to the tune of losing several pounds a week now that body has realized I’m providing nutrition for it and not starving it. (The leaky gut left me malnourished despite eating because the food was simply being attacked.) The dark circles under my eyes are gone. My skin has color again. My acne and eczema are gone. This is very real power in food.

Should you have an ALCAT test done too? This depends on how willing you are to change your life. If the test shows that you can no longer eat garlic or olive oil, would you be able to commit? If you test 200 foods and find out 63 of them are causing problems for you, foods that you ate without even thinking, spices like cumin or chili powder, vegetables like carrots or celery, fruits like grapes and pear? It’s not about getting rid of things that are just not “healthy” but more so about getting rid of things your body is attacking. This could easily be your favorite food. If you aren’t so desperate that you’ll 100% willing to change everything you’ve ever known, ALCAT isn’t for you. I was ready. I was already that desperate.

Yesterday I found out that my changes have not yet made a positive impact on my Interstitial Cystitis (a byproduct of all the other things I have going on.) I knew this as I was still experiencing those specific symptoms. To rule out that I didn’t just have a UTI, I had a urinalysis done and while there is definitely no infection, we were all surprised that under the microscope I have a large amount of blood coming out in my urine. This isn’t normal so I am trying a few new things to see if we can get it under control. We don’t yet know what is causing it but the assumption is simply too much detoxing going on at once and my poor organs need some extra help.

The hardest part so far has been the emotional impact. I don’t have cravings for food anymore. I’m caffeine free, alcohol free, dye free, refined sugar-free, gluten-free, and dairy free. The first few weeks was hard, really HARD as my body struggled with the withdrawal of not having some of these things but I hardly even notice anymore. Emotionally though, I can’t enjoy a piece of cake with my girls for their birthday today. I can’t go to the family Christmas Eve party without bringing my own lunchbox full of food. I can’t grab a hot dog at Costco when we are out and starving. I tend to feel like the outsider, like the freak.

This affects my family, not just me. Having an autoimmune disorder could mean a lot of things for my girls. It means their systems could be as sensitive as mine. It means their bodies could reject foreign items (i.e. everything from antibiotics to vaccines) in negative ways. It means the things my kids experience could actually be from things I did during pregnancy not knowing how my body was handling it all. There are dozens and dozens of things it could explain. I am doing everything I can to focus on right now because I cannot predict the future, I cannot change the past and I cannot hold guilt for something I don’t have control over.

All the sudden, my whole life seems to make sense.